Auld Lang Syne

Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And days of time gone by?

For Auld Lang Syne, my dear
For Auld Lang Syne
We’ll take the cup of kindness yet
For Auld Lang Syne

And surely you’ll buy your drink
And surely I’ll buy mine
And we’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For Auld Lang Syne

We two have run about the hills
And picked the daisies fine
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot
For Auld Lang Syne

We two have paddled in the stream
From noon sun till dinner time
But seas between us broad have roared
For Auld Lang Syne

And there is a hand, my trusty friend
And give us a hand of yours
And we’ll take a good will drink, my dear
For Auld Lang Syne

A wish

someday i'll look back
and laugh at these moments
moments of trivial discords
someday we'll walk
hand in hand along
the never ending promenade
watching the sun
fade away
just silent moments that define
the intensity of the time to come
someday...someday
i hope, i hope
for my world to be normal again
for you to be mine again

From a door opposite you

sitting just a door away from you
but ain't no courage to walk
two steps across
strange it may seem
for there was a time
when we couldn't live apart
what time has come
and when will it pass
the hours seem to crawl away
but will it lead to a harmonious end
there's no saying
just faith that it will be better
and that i'll be by your side again

Frozen

Same old same old
Back there again
The same road back
To where it all began
My steps reversed
Weak and feeble
For the journey
So difficult

I pass landmarks
That seem familiar
I’ve been here before
Milestones I assumed
I’d never face again

But what can you say about life
It has a strange way
Of bringing you back
To the place you’ve bid farewell

It’s unnerving, it’s unkind
The air colder than what I left behind
There’s no choice to abandon
This path I’ve been thrown into

It’s not my call
It’s not upto me
What are mine though
Are the moments frozen
In time

The thing is
That’s what they’ll always be
Frozen

Another move

Another move…another hopeless packing effort…another shift of surrounding…another change of environment…the consolation being that I’m returning to a changed but familiar ambience….i’ve always been sad about leaving one place…so far, I have…but not this time…this time, I’m happy to be moving…I’m happy to be leaving and yet I don’t wanna pack…yet I don’t wanna leave…I guess it’s because there are some people that are holding me back…I can count them on my fingers…people who brought a smile to each sad moment…who brightened my life with words and deeds that will remain in my heart forever…perfect memories created out of simple moments…the simplest gestures creating the deepest impacts…and yet I have to go…to a life that awaits me…to a place that holds my future…to a love that is forever…to friends I’m dying to hug…to memories that have changed my thought process…to a life I’ve begun to enjoy…the smile returns to my face as I write this and yet turns bitter sweet at the fact that I’m leaving one place that has taught me so much the hard way…for the god and bad reasons I will never forget this place…whether I will return or not is not my fate to know but for now as the bus heads towards a familiar destination I look out the window at the dark sky filled with twinkling stars, I’m assured that humanity isn’t lost and that miracles do happen…

feel good shopping????

I don’t know why they call it feel good shopping…what’s so feel good about a diminished bank balance??? The psychology behind shopping is apparently to make you feel good….but after you’re done feeling good looking at all those shopping bags in your hand you realize your wallet is probably empty and your bank balance low…and the it doesn’t feel that good, does it??? then you start fretting about how your going to manage the rest of the month…how your going to pay the bills…auto charges, food charges and booze…how you forget about the booze intake…and by the end of it all your so guilty about all the things you’ve purchased…and every time you see the goods or wear them your reminded of your binge…the strange part, however, is that you don’t remember why you wanted to feel good in the first place….

xoxoxoxoxo

I wish upon a falling star
To let you be as special
As you already are
To never take away your laughter
To never erase your smile
to give you all you desire

I wish once more
As the thunder begins to roar
That this cycle of trust
Our bond of faith
Never breaks

Don’t say goodbye
It’s not the time to go yet
Even though we stand there
Waving farewell
The hope remains that
We will meet again

random love

sitting in a restaurant waiting for my food...lost in thought of u...wishing u were there...thinking of all the good times n smiling to myself to drive away the blues...knowing that wherever we are, together or not, we will always have the love we share...

Love is.

sometimes i wonder how much capability does the human heart have to miss and love somebody so much...how does the heart deal with such complicated matters and yet crave for more...but then isn't love such a simple emotion and yet it has no definition...i haven't come across one person who has been successfully able to define love...not one person on this planet of a billion and more people who has been able to put into words this one emotion we call love...how strange it is!!!!! because we feel it all the time...each person has his/her own definition of love...it's not a generic definition that can be applied to all...so mathematically there are over a billion and more definitions of love...and i've had mine too...different definitions for the different people i have loved or liked...all of the definitions that i picked out from books or the internet...other people's words defining my emotions...and now i come to you...for you i wanna have my own definition...i want to add to the already existing list of a billion...and about right now my mind goes blank...

hmm...love is.......love is...you...
my definition of love is you, just you and only you...

Last impression

She was standing in her kitchen…and while she waited for the water to boil she parted her hair from the centre in exactly half and placed each half on each side of her shoulder…she then held both sides in her hand and placed each half on the opposite shoulder and tugged them a little to keep it tight…she poured the boiling water into the mug, coffee with a little sugar and she kept stirring the coffee in the mug and with that the hair that she had made such an enormous effort to hold into place let itself loose…and the fringes in the front of her hair fell onto her face…but I couldn’t see her face clearly, she was standing sideways stirring the coffee with the fringes of her hair blocking her face…she turned towards the wash basin behind her and dropped the coffee stained spoon into the wash basin…and turned towards me and smiled…the dark kitchen lit up instantly…she looked beautiful…there was sunlight filtering into the kitchen from the windows behind her giving the impression of a halo around her head…her silky hair glistened in the sunlight…she looked like an angel in her white t-shirt…she stretched out her hand and I took it into mine…’I love you’, she said…I looked back at her, her eyes filled with tears…I couldn’t say anything back…that is my last impression of her…

She slept that night with her head onto my arm…peacefully…but I couldn’t sleep…if you really knew her, you’d know that she believed in signs…but this time she didn’t see it coming…and now when I look back I think I did…my last impression of her was that of an angel, probably what has become by now…not in her kitchen though but in some place that the priest spoke about at her funeral service…that’s how I want to remember her or maybe that’s how she wanted me to remember her…

Another day gone by just like that…there are so many things to do but I don’t have the inclination to do any of it…all I wanna do is sit around and day dream of a better future, a better life…better than what it is right now…away from this misery of waking up each day and wondering why I even bother to open my eyes…and still I wanna wake up each day because I know that you are waiting to see my face just as I am waiting to see yours…is it true that what goes around comes around??? Is it really??? Because right now everything is just going around and I’m wondering when it will come around or will it ever…why do they make these wonderful proverbs when they aren’t actually true…there are so many things/clichés that people use and say and I wonder are these ever true…

There is so much beauty around and yet I’m not at peace…the greenery around me brings me no tranquillity whatsoever…whoever said green was a calming colour…its not true…it’s like I’m standing and watching my life go by and not doing anything to make it better…I’m just letting it play on its own…that’s not how it’s supposed to be, is it??? whatever happened to the choices I can make and how these choices control my life…I can’t see any choices here…for the first time after a long time I am beginning to question the place I am in right now…this is not where I wanna be…this is never where I wanted to be…and then I think about you…if I didn’t choose this path would I have met you…maybe, maybe not…maybe if we were destined to be together we would have met any which way…but then what if this was the only way…that’s how I console my place in life right now…the pain in my feet is killing me…but the thought of you makes me feel just a little better…the thought and hope that after this is over maybe it’s gonna be good…but who can say…life doesn’t come with warranties or guarantees…it just comes as it is and I have the responsibility to choose how I can make myself feel about it…on days like this I want my life to be like a song or a sweet melody with no dramatic overtures…just one rhythm…the same beat…and then I wonder will it be boring…will I enjoy it then or will I still be wondering about how green the grass would be on the other side…and I have nothing more to write because I have gone back into wondering mode…wondering about stuff that I can’t put into words…of stuff that have no definite words to describe them…or stuff that I cannot explain to anyone…of stuff that people will find difficult to understand…signing off until my next brainwave hits…

Sometimes the only thing you can say is I love you…sometimes those are the only words that matter…sometimes it’s the best thing to say…and sometimes you can’t say it because it’s not yours to say…it belongs to someone else…and all you can do is stand by and watch the love flow out of your hands and into someone else’s…but just because it is someone’s else who says you cannot say it…heard that saying – ‘just cause someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you at all…’ well, it’s just like that…just because that love is not yours to say in the way you want to say it doesn’t mean you can’t say it at all…you can say it from your heart in the way you mean it…it may not necessarily be interpreted in the same way as you want it to be but at least you’ve said it…sometimes it has to be told…sometimes you need to say it…

To my friend - Kavitha

Some people create this niche for themselves in our lives…a niche if vacated creates a void…and like most good things, you begun to assume that they’ll leave but they don’t…no matter how far you are from them physically, mentally and emotionally you’re still connected…no matter how many new people you meet, their niche is securely off guards to others…their place is theirs…I’m not talking about partners and spouses here…I’m talking about friends…good friends…the ones who correct you when you’re wrong…the ones who’d fight the world off for you…the ones who cover your ass and kick it too…the ones who’s shoulder is always there when you wanna cry…the ones who’s ears no matter how sore still listen to your love problems…the ones who are happy for you…the ones who love you always…you don’t have to be in constant contact with them because in your heart you know that no matter how wide the distance is they’ll always reside in that niche…

Do you get that feeling when you hear a particular song and it reminds of you of a particular person? That person may not necessarily have any connection with that song but in your head you visualize them every time you listen to that song. Like right now I have one song for each person I know in my life. It’s not about the person you know. It’s about the music. Whenever I’m alone and listening to music, any kind of music, I have this whole story forming in my head about that person with whom the song is associated. Like the song is the back ground music for that person’s life and that story has to include me in some measure or the other. Sometimes I do wish that like in the movies there’s background music to our lives. But all you get is silence and a buzzing sound in your ears and crazy thoughts in your head.

Another something...

What if you knew that this was the last time you’d see me??? What if you knew that this was the last time you’d speak to me??? Would you still walk away??? its just a thought…I was just wondering…if we only knew right…if we only knew, we wouldn’t do the things we do or say the things we said…if we only knew, we’d make an effort to better things and get our act together…if we only knew…how ironic that we don’t until after it happens…then we cry and brood over the things we should have said and didn’t say or done and didn’t do…but then what’s the point…life can’t be undone…you cannot possibly redo what’s done…it sits there staring you in the face…it’s right there in front of your eyes while you sit there and reminisce and imagine the different possibilities of doing what you’ve done…how you cry for the times when you could make a difference…how you long for everything to be back right as it was…how you wish you could go back in time and set things right…if only all wishes came true the world would be a much better place now, wouldn’t it???
Now the thoughts have drained out…another cryptic something written in the hope that someday you may read it and know…but the chances of that are way too slim…maybe you’ll do after I’m gone and my words are all you have left to hold on too…then maybe you’ll read wishing that you’d read them before…maybe that way you could have held onto me longer…maybe that way you would be able to make up…but it’s not as grim as I’ve made it out to be…salvation is there as long as you want to have it…it’s waiting there for you to realize that it’s there…you can make things better not with me maybe but with someone else…with something else…maybe you could live the dreams we dreamt…you could make them true…try to fill the void that wouldn’t have been there if we had done things differently…you could still try…and live them out maybe hoping that in the end you’d find salvation…don’t worry I’ll be watching you…I’ll be there always…so don’t be afraid…because while you’re there looking for redemption, I’m there, hoping that at the end of the journey, you’ll find me again…

Hmm...I wish...!!!!!

Consequences of the lack of sleep:

I want to get drunk…like really drunk…and live in a bubble for just a bit…a bit that takes away irritation and fear…where all I would do is smile incessantly for no damn reason at all (while I write this I can feel the corners of my lips spread a little at the image of my cackling laughter)…I want the world to go round and round…spinning around my face…so that everything appears blurred and funny…and laugh some more at the funny part of the blurring…I want some loud and indecipherable music playing around me…something that makes me head bob from side to side…I want not to feel the floor beneath my footsteps…like I’m walking in the clouds or something…I want to dance under the moonlight…with nobody watching, taking pictures or recording…and I want to finally free fall…with my arms spread open…a serene smile on my face…the wind in my hair and through my clothes causing goose flesh to form...fall into blissful sleep…

What I don’t wanna do though, is puke…that would be like a smashing fall back to reality…

There you are…nothing has changed about you…maybe a few wrinkles more…but the laugh is the same…the mischievous glint in your eyes is the same…the same walk…the same intelligent talk…and then you look at me…something has changed…I see a difference…’I love you’ is the first thing you say to me…how I’ve longed to hear you say this…how I’ve longed to hear these words from you…at another time, long before now I would have given anything to hear this from you…but now, like right now, it doesn’t matter…things have surely changed…your words fall over my ears touching no part of me…I feel nothing…no happiness, no sorrow…no excitement, no remorse…I don’t even feel regret…I’m standing there before you with absolutely no feeling…cold and emotionless…and there it dawns on me…the true meaning of moving on…nothing about the person in question effects you…not his words, not his deeds…even the memories have seemed to fade away…almost disappeared…wiped clean from the slate…and I’m happy…finally happy…not because of what you said…but because at last, I managed to say the final goodbye…

Does every opinion have to count??
Does every expectation have to be fulfilled?
What if I don’t wish to change?
Could I just be the same?
But something is wrong…
I have changed without even knowing it
The bitterness of things that have happened
Reflects in my eyes
No matter how much love I try to show
Its only the hurt that resurfaces
Pushing people away from me…
If only I could turn back time
I’d do many things differently
Or maybe not…

Heartbreak

Heartbreak…one word with so many consequences…so many emotions piled onto just one word…you may think heartbreak is burdened by all of it…its actually the other way around…it burdens you…it hurts in places you never knew existed…it gives you sleepless nights…or worse still you cry yourself to sleep…you detach yourself from everything but the memories of him…you feel empty and drained…the dark circles around your eyes just get darker everyday…and the bags forming below them threaten to give you Chinese eyes…anything can trigger off that river of tears…infact you’re tear glands are always prepared…ready to flow at anything…a song…a memory...watching other couples tortures in ways you cannot imagine…even if you’ve seen them for all of your life, like your parents…what do you do with those memories…photographs can be torn…letters can be burnt…messages can be deleted…mails can be erased…but those memories…they have a knack of surfacing when you want them most to disappear…you can actually feel your heart crack into a million pieces…everything feels wrong…the things you’ve done all your life seem like a chore…you find it difficult to get outta bed…you don’t wanna speak…you can’t walk on your own…you close your fist only to realize that his hand is not there anymore…you turn to smile but his face is not there anymore…all the things you did together form Kodak moments in your head…all the places you went together bear a mark that was left by you…you can’t bring yourself to go there alone…all you wanna do is lie in bed, close your eyes and relive each and every memory…so that as the days pass by his face doesn’t become a distant blur…no one else seems to be as good as him…infact you measure everyone to him…if they’re not as good then they’re not worth the effort…well, at least you’ve made the effort to know them…the thing to figure here is that if he was all that good why did he leave you in the first place…why did he hurt you…why did he break your heart…and inspite all of this you still think he’s good enough…you blame yourself for him leaving you…what is it with us women…we are programmed to think that everything is our fault…says who…I don’t…I think we place too much importance on our partner…thinking that he could do no wrong…that he’s perfect…says who…whoever said anybody was perfect…perfect is only God…and you’re partner is not God…so what makes him perfect or flawless…what makes him so right and you so wrong…nothing…but you think we understand that…not a chance…we go on blaming ourselves…the smarter ones move on…and the rest just lay there…waiting for time to heal the scars…for time to blur the memories…

here we go again...

Here we go again…same old, same old…like a Ferris wheel going round and round…the end is where I began…I think about you but I won’t tell you…I miss you but I won’t tell you…the memories have faded now…but the last impression of your face is till afresh…which will fade eventually…like the memories we built on false optimism…its happening again…memories resurfacing again…this is that time of the year again…way back then…each day will be relived…each memory revisited…something’s different though…no bitterness anymore…no sighs…only smiles…grins…sometimes tears…happy tears…no remorse…no hurt…no pain…just a deep scar…reminder of a dream unfulfilled…

The city that is Bombay...

I call this city my home…I’ve been away too long though, making visits like a guest…yet I don’t get treated like one…everything about this city is welcoming…the pot-holed roads…the tortoise paced traffic…the dust that rises from the ground…the din created by life…the stir created by constant movement…the sweaty crowd whose origin is unknown…the smells that define its existence…the grime from the alarming rise of pollution…the trivia of its unorganized ways…the intricate existence of its being…the way things are just because they’ve always been…there’s no denying its individuality…nothing can ever compare to its uniqueness…no matter how much we crib and complain about things, this is the way we like it…cause this is what defines its presence…the city which represents the whole nation…the city that has always fought back…the city that stands its ground…the city that has made its mark…the city that doesn’t need to prove itself…the city that has become a statement of lifestyle…the city that never sleeps…the city that is like no other...the city that is Bombay…

i know not...

what path is life gonna take me on now?

i dread to ask,

yet i'm curious to know.

where is this path gonna lead?

is the journey easy

or will i hurt again?

the urge to know the future

is all consuming at this time.

i try to think

what would be the right choice

the one that will

give the best outcome

but i know not.

all that comes to my mind

are the dreams i see.

are they trying to show me

what i wish to see

or they just playing on my fears?

when will this trivia end

and what will that end be?

these questions i try to evade

but they won't leave me.

where does my future lie

and with whom

i seek to know

but the chaos in my head or heart

blurs the answer

i beg to know.

this must end as i know it must

and for that i'd have to leave

it to You

in whom i trust...

what would you call this....????

Have you ever stood tummy deep in the sea, letting the waves hit and find an unbroken shell stuck between your toes?

Have you ever stood out in the open, stretching your hands out crying wondering how did life go so wrong when a dew drop falls right on the tip of your finger?

Have you ever had that one day in life when all you’ve done is cried and just as you’re about to give up you catch a glimpse of a baby’s toothless grin and smile back for the first time in the day?

Have you ever watched a butterfly emerge from its cocoon and rest gently on your finger?

Have you ever lived your dream, each and every bit of it just the way you’ve seen it with your eyes closed?

Have you ever noticed the rays of the sun that filter through a crack in your window forming block patches on your bed?

Have you ever loved someone so much that once the person is gone you have nothing left to give?

Have you ever bumped into your first love of aeons ago only to realize that you never stopped loving him in the first place?

lessons to remember I

Life throws at you the most unexpected surprises…sometimes just talking to an old friend brings back a train of memories than cannot withhold the laughter…stupid things done courtesy immaturity…life comes full circle…everything that you’ve thrown out once comes back two folds…that’s how its always been…the trick is to accept and move on…that’s the thing I learnt from Jasmine…live like there’s no tomorrow…but all of this is only applicable when the alcohol level in the blood dips back to normal…then life is just a rigmarole of events that one may or may not wanna fulfil…but she didn’t need that to give her that kinda high in life…she was always high on energy…sporty and a willing participant in the game we call life…I miss her sometimes…

My girl

there you are, jumping around
in the puddles that have formed at your feet
staining the hem of your pink linen dress
trying to catch each drop
falling from the unknown
dampening your hair
but not your spirit
ruining your curls
but you couldn’t care any less
i watch
as the shower grows heavier
i know i must protect you
but all i do is watch
your free spirit
your giggle against the thunder
no fear or uncertainty
you smile at the lightening
as if to mock it
nothing can tie you down
you spin around in circles
stopping abruptly to catch my gaze
and in that one fleeting moment
you reflect all that i was
all that i wanted to be
and then you smile and stretch your hand to me
drawing me into the open
loosening my spirit again
your fingers so small
in my hand
together we drench ourselves
while we giggle
you’ve transformed me into a child again
like you had once transformed me into a mother
and while i’m looking up to the heavens
thanking Him for you
i feel your tiny arms around my legs
i look down
and there you are
my girl…

Perception altering events...

I was standing in my balcony with my eyes squeezed shut lost in my own thoughts…there was an unusual quiet around me…no bustle of traffic…no sound of humans…just the birds chirping away…the peacocks crying…the leaves brushing against each other in the wind…and then I heard it…gently, creating a rhythm to the already audible sounds…first on the leaves…then on the petals…on the hard concrete floor…then I felt it on my outstretched fingers…on my parched lips…trickling down my spectacles…rolling onto my cheeks…combining with the saltiness of my own drops…I opened my eyes to the dark clouds…it had begun to rain…

Meaningful excerpts from random conversations!!!!

It is possible to be emotionally detached while being sexually/physically attached.

It is normal to have high expectations from your partner in a relationship.

It is completely normal to fall for your best friend.

Even your best friend has priorities other than you.

When someone says he wouldn’t know what to do without you, it means he’ll find a way.

Love can be blinding, so it’s always good to have a third person point of view.

I can be the one and only important person in someone’s life.

Everybody has someone out there. They may just be with the wrong people or may have lost the way.

Patience is truly a virtue.

The fruits of patience are sweet. Whoever said that fruits rot if kept for too long should know about wine manufacture.

And trust me everything does happen for the best.

You never really get what you want. You always get what you need even if you don’t realize it then.

Everything comes at the right time, even if you don’t think so.

Drops

One drop
Two drops
Ripples in the water
Three drops
Four drops
Rolling down my cheeks
Five drops
Six drops
Forming on my nape
Seven drops
Eight drops
Gurgling down my throat
Nine drops
Ten drops
Bouncing off my face

Random Philosophies - I

Sometimes people walk into your life with such an impact that all you can do is sit back and savour their presence…you grow fond of them, you begin to depend on them…slowly and gradually they make a niche for themselves…and you allow them that space…secure in your heart that they’ll be there forever…but somehow we forget that nothing lasts forever…these people then leave creating a void within you…maybe the niche that they’ve created is that void…and then we go about feeling bitter and angry…sometimes it’s not the whole person who walks away…sometimes it’s just a part of that person…a part that you are in love with…and then we keep searching for that person or that part wishing that whatever walked away would come back…but they don’t…besides the fact that nothing lasts forever we also forget that these people who walk into our lives come in for a short period…they come in when we need them the most, the come in to make us strong, they come in to make us realize our worth or maybe just exactly the opposite of all of the above…but in some way or the other they teach us something…they leave us with memories and experiences, good or bad…they either give us everything that they have and take away with them most of what we have…what I think we should dwell on is not for them to come back…but to look at the moments they’ve created for us and smile or cry, whichever applies best…the thing to remember is that if they’ve left a void in us then we’ve left a void in them too, right????

No more love

no more sad songs
to pass these mundane days
no more reminiscing
just to bring that smile back
erased the moments
of the days gone by
one by one
reliving each
before they’ve gone forever
no more kisses
that made my stomach flutter
savouring the sweetness
of your lips
before the taste is washed forever
no more flashes of endearments
that now bring with it tears
all of it wrapped up
conveniently hidden in a place
that cannot be found
not even in my solitude
will they resurface
the image of you
once created in the blindness of love
has emerged in true bright colours
that with the snap of my fingers
has crashed down to my feet
piercing through my skin
making me bleed
feeble and weak
i walk again
determined in my head that
no more love…

My most embarrassing moment...till the next one happens...

As teenagers, when we’re at our farewell, we fill in these little stupid slam books, wanting to cage the memories our years spent in school…there are various questions that you have to fill out…I loved filling slam books…but there was one question that always puzzled me…your most embarrassing moment…I could just never decide what to write there…not that there is a dearth of embarrassing moments in my life…oh there are plenty but none of them as embarrassing so as to win first prize…so I would always leave that space blank…until recently…very recently, I, created my most embarrassing moment…here’s what happened…
Date: 14th February 2009
Location: All Sports Bar, CP, New Delhi
Occasion: Valentine’s Day!!!

Now I have been single for a fairly long time and it doesn’t really bother me…but come Valentine’s Day and I transform into this manic single soul brooding about the lack of a guy in my mundane existence…so it’s Valentine’s Day and a couple of friends – Devika, Radhika, Ayushee, Arjun, Divyansh and me decide to go out for drinks…I suggest a place called All Sports Bar…simply because it’s a sports bar and I assumed it would be free of this contagious diseases called love…so we enter in…and guess what the place is filled with couples who fight all year round but somehow on this day manage to fill the air with looovvvee…to add to my misery there were heart shaped balloons floating around…for a moment, I was tempted to run away…but I spotted Arjun and Divyansh waving out to us…so plan A (running away) was foiled…time for plan B – drink and disillusion oneself…drink means drink not drunk…drink in this context means achieving a desired level of disillusionment in order to block out sounds and sights that cause irritation and depression…so beer was ordered and conversation flowed…in the midst of excited chattering Arjun announced that he wanted Long Island Tea…”A pitcher of LIT please”…from the looks of it I assumed that maybe Arjun also wanted to reach ‘that’ level of disillusionment, like me, which the beer refused to give…I smiled to myself because I had some company now…I’m not the only maniac in this world…the first mug, yes we were offered mugs instead of glasses…maybe they ran out of glasses or something…so I was saying, the first mug of LIT did the trick…I couldn’t care less about the couples around me…what I didn’t realize then was that I hadn’t even cared about how many LIT’s I had consumed till then…all I remember now is noise and chatter and laughter…I didn’t understand a word of what anyone was saying…I was also fighting hard to recognise the people around me…I simply couldn’t figure…and then for some weird reason I started laughing and wanted to share the joke with another drunk, Radhika who was sitting to my right…and suddenly the world around me started to spin and thud…I had landed on my buttocks on the hard wooden floor…I remember wondering if I had cracked a bone there or was it the floor…I could hear the laughter very clearly now…I could even hear my own laughter…I can’t recollect what followed after that…the next thing I remember is waking up the next morning with a vague recollection of my fall and still giggling about it…so now bring out those slam books…I have finally found the relevant answer…

Soul mate? What's that?

Who is a soul mate? Or rather what is a soul mate? I don’t understand the concept of soul mate. It literally means ‘someone for whom you have deep affinity.’ Affinity means ‘a deep liking for someone.’ So then one could have a deep affinity for more than one person right? So does that mean one can have more that one soul mate? In that case, what is so mystical about finding one’s soul mate? Why do people race after this thing called soul mate? Or is it just another chase for something that takes us away from the brutality of our reality? Most people marry the person for whom they have a deep affinity and the remaining lot develop that affinity for whatever reason after they marry. But then again a soul mate may not necessarily be someone you’re in love with. It could be a friend or just some person you know. Then why the term soul mate? The concept of soul mate is very vague to me. There is nothing concrete or definite about it. I think it’s just a source of deviating our mundane lives by introducing a search for something we don’t really understand or have misinterpreted. How can one search for something that one does not comprehend? The end result of which only leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction. The search or chase for a soul mate in my opinion is insatiable because for us humans it would be difficult to choose the person with whom we would share a deep affinity. It is simply difficult for us to decipher. It is excitingly surprising that one word, soul mate, can start a chain reaction of such profound and complex thoughts. Would anyone have the answer to my queries? It would be nice to have some clarity.

Paolo Coelho

I recently read ‘Eleven Minutes’ by Paolo Coelho and this is what I came across in it. It is the most beautiful description of one of the most sacred acts that we as man and woman do together. Whether it is true or not, it makes absolute and perfect sense.

‘According to Plato, at the beginning of creation, men and women were not as they are now; there was just one being, who was rather short, with a body and a neck, but his head had two faces, looking in different directions. It was as if two creatures had been glued back to back, with two sets of sex organs, four legs and four arms.

The Greek gods, however were jealous, because this creature with four arms could work harder; with its two faces, it was always vigilant and could not be taken by surprise; and its four legs meant that it could stand or walk for long periods without tiring. Even more dangerous was the fact that the creature has two different sets of sex organs and so needed no one else in order to continue reproducing.

Zeus, the supreme lord of Olympus, said; “I have a plan to make mortals lose some of their strength.”

And he cut the creature in two with a lighting bolt, thus creating man and woman. This greatly increased the population of the world, and, at the same time, disoriented and weakened its inhabitants, because now they had to search for their lost half and embrace it and, in that embrace, regain their former strength, their ability to avoid betrayal and the stamina to walk for long periods of time and to withstand hard work. That embrace in which two bodies re-fuse to become one again is what we call sex.’

Enlightenment...or atleast a part of it...

We humans find it so difficult to let go of things and people and more things and more people. We think that everything that we have is meant to last a lifetime. We feel that all good things must be permanent, that forever exists. What we tend to forget is that not even we last forever. It can be argued that our memories do. I held that argument too. But here’s something to think about – those who have memories of us don’t last forever either. And even if our memories are passed on they fade away with time. They become bleaker and bleaker as time passes. Even our face becomes a vague memory. Time passes and with that everything else – memories, people, things…everything. And yet we hold on to them all. We are so scared of dying or loosing those close to us that we forget to savour the memories we create with them. If only we take notice of the little things we do with them or the words we say to them, then I guess we wouldn’t hurt so much on loosing them. Instead we would be thanking them for how much more meaningful they made our lives, wouldn’t we? We get so caught up trying to create memories without realizing that no effort has to be made in that department. Each moment becomes a memory to recall, each word said – good or bad gets stamped onto our minds creating yet another memory. And when we loose that someone or when that someone looses us we cry. We cry for all the words that we should and could have said or not said but never did, we cry for all the deeds we could and should have done or not done but never did.

I just re-read what I wrote…whoa!!! Where does this psychobabble come from…??? But psychobabble or not, it’s true nevertheless…

Recurring dreams...

The sandwich is yummy and I just can’t have enough of it. I am happy, very happy. I can’t stop smiling. It’s not only the sandwich, but because I am with momma and dadda and Ross. My family, happy and content. I don’t know where we are. It looks my old school building. There are a lot of bougainvilleas, pink ones, like the dress momma has worn. And green leaves like the frock I have worn. Everything is peaceful and serene. Everyone’s having a good time. But something gives me the feeling that a storm is coming. Suddenly the sky darkens and the weather becomes cloudy. Dadda has left my hand and is running after someone. I see that momma is missing too. I see Ross running after someone too. In the grim sunlight I see them running after a figure in pink. I strain my eyes against the strong wind to see whom they’re running after. The pink figure becomes clearer. It’s momma they’re running after. She’s left and gone. But why? I don’t know. My sandwich drops to the floor. I have tears in my eyes and now even I am running after her. I cry out to her but she doesn’t look back. She just gets into a cab and breezes out of our lives as we stand there helpless. I have my hands stretched out, in hope that she’ll come back to comfort me as she does always. I am sobbing now. “Stormy, Stormy.” I wake up. It was a bad dream. Mom is comforting me now. I’m holding mom and crying uncontrollably. I can’t stop this wave of tears. “Don’t ever leave me, momma. Please never leave.” “I won’t sweetheart. What makes you think I’ll leave you or Ross? It was a bad dream, baby. I’m here and will always be. Calm down.” I can’t calm down. I can’t stop crying. I open my eyes again and see that the space beside mom is empty. Mom hasn’t gone anywhere but dad left instead.

Emotional Attachment...!!!!

Emotional attachment…!! i’ve always wondered how i could get rid of that...i guess i can’t…i’ve always associated tears with emotional attachment…and since i hadn’t cried in a while i thought that, you know, i would have gotten over the melodramatic habit of being extremely attached to things and people and then crying out buckets on loosing them…but i cried recently…why??? well, because…let me be honest…i wasn’t drunk or anything…but i deleted a folder that contained more that a thousand photographs of friends, family and more…it wasn’t intentional…i don’t how i managed to do something as stupid as even deleting it from the recycle bin…yeah but that’s what i did…and then cried a river when i realized a few days later what i had done…i cried for all the memories that were attached to those photos…then i cried some more and cursed even more and have been morose since then…anyone looking at me would think i was in depression or something…but it was so petty that it was not possible for me to cry with just about anyone…so i called my brother and cried some more…he listened patiently as i sobbed away into the phone…midway into the conversation i regretted having ever called him…i thought i was better off crying alone than with him…by the end of the conversation though, i was feeling a lot better…he made me look at the bright side…deleting the pictures didn’t make me loose any memories…i just lost proof of those memories but that didn’t mean i didn’t have them at all…they are in my head…just the way i created them…now i had an opportunity here…i could just click more photographs and make new memories…and yes the moral of the story: think before you act…!!!!!
there was one more moral to the story: don’t get emotionally attached…what i’m still trying to figure is how not to…

If you could see me now...

if you could see me now
you’d see the million dreams
i’ve dreamt about you

if you could see me now
you’d see the hope
that has floated against fate

if you could see me now
you’d see the significance
of you in my life

if you could see me now
you’d see the love
the only thing that has never changed

if you could see me now
you’d have never left
in the first place

if you could see me now
you’d fall in love
with all that you left behind

look back, i need you

you walked away
never to look back
i call out for you
to turn around
to look into my eyes
and see eternity
in the way i feel
in the way i need you
but you don’t
i wanna tell you
how much i love you
how i need you
like the flowers need the dew
like the earth needs the sun
like the seasons need to change
i need you
but you don’t wanna listen
here come my words
pouring out
through cryptic lyrics
i know you’ll never read
if you’d only listen
you’d know there’d be no goodbye
you’d know i’d always be there
turn around
i can’t scream anymore
and take my hand
i won’t let go
i won’t give you the pain
you’ve been hiding from
look back
i’m still here

your happiness

running around in circles
confused about life
scanning the sky for replies
to questions that seem absurd
walking through the winter night
staring at the stars
waiting for them to spell the answers
but the alphabets don’t form
they just stare back at me
echoing the questions i ask
why did you leave?
why do you not feel?
they just stare back
replaying the memories
the one thing that i’ve always looked for
i’ve lost
beyond my reach you moved away
i tried to grab your hand
you pulled away
i wanted to protect you
but you wanted to be you
you left
you’re gone
and now i’m alone
wishing upon the meteors
for you above all else
to be happy….

Wishes...!!!!

i’ve been wishing
for you to close your eyes
and go back to the times
we had together
to the times you made me smile
the times when I made you laugh
when you looked down at me
grateful that I was there
when I looked up at you
wishing to stay the same
this thing
we had between us
filled the simultaneous void
that filled our lives
but differently
you thanked the stars for my shoulder
while I wished upon the stars
for you
and you tell me you’re there
i know you are
just not the way I want you to be
i could stand here forever in your embrace
i could lie there forever watching you sleep
i could sit there forever as you speak
each moment captured in my heart
i wander around you
to capture more
because when you’re happy
with another arm linked to yours
and want me to be happy
these captured moments
are going to hide my inner tears…

Him to her...

i can feel her eyes on me
watching me as i breathe
smiling to herself
her hands in my hair
beckoning peaceful sleep to come over me
i smile to myself
i could lay like this for the rest of my life…

Her to him...

lying next to you
watching you sleep
peace resonating each time
you exhale
my fingers running
through your hair
i’m lying there
just watching you
and i could do this for the rest of my life…

Hidden emotions...cryptic blogs...

Here I am hopelessly in love. But again as before, you don’t love me. You don’t feel a thing. And there’s nothing that I can do about it, accept for maybe pray that someday when I still love you as much you understand how I feel about you and love me back. But will He hear my prayers? I don’t wanna hurt you like others have. I just wanna give you all the love I have. If only I could tell you but that would mean risking loosing you. And I don’t wanna do that. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all. I don’t agree. I’d rather have you as I do now than to not have you at all. For me, love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. How I feel about you, you will never know because I will never tell you. Even if you read what I write you will never realize that it’s about you. Secretly harboured emotions make way for cryptic blogs.