everything is different...nothing will ever be the same again...i cannot seem to get the image of you and her out of my head...it keeps rewinding itself in my brain playing over and over and over again...the hole in my lungs is still there and so is the immense pain...but my body has become numb to that...the only signs of my hurting is the occasional tear...

always be there

the sound of the piano fills my ears through the speakers. i cannot describe the way it makes me feel. chaos and peace within me at the same time. when i close my eyes to the sound, the last one year rewinds itself. i find myself standing at the point at which it all began; staring at something that is beyond me. and although i cannot see anything i know i’m looking at you through the blinding light. someday you’ll walk forward and take my outstretched palm into yours and pull me close. someday you’ll see the love and it will fill you like it has filled me. you too will hear the symphony of the piano. life will rewind itself and you’ll find yourself standing at the point at which it all began; staring at something beyond yourself. i’ll wait for that day to take your hand in mine. life is a circle. you will have to reach the starting point of the circumference. don’t be afraid to come back. i’ll still be there, i promise.

not all relationships can be defined…the larger stake falls into general categories like family, friends, acquaintances, etcetera…but there are some that cannot be categorized…you cannot exactly call it friendship and nor are they acquaintances…nor do they come under the prospective love interest segment…they’re beyond the common emotions of man…they’re superior than the normal…they begin with no expectations and remain the same until you chose otherwise…a relief from the usual…you don’t have to offer explanations for your actions or be apologetic for being yourself…you know you’re not being judged so you be yourself…you’re accepted and respected…they derive your definition by the person your are and not by your actions…and even though you share some of the best moments or conversations of your life with them, you fall short of words to define what you share with them…but you don’t care about what the world would think because only you know the sanctity of your equation with that person…


it doesn’t always have to be about intelligent conversations…you can discuss the most inane things in life…and yet you don’t always have to speak to converse…silences say more than words can ever…and that’s the best part, you can sit next to each other and stay silent for hours on end…and you can hold their hand while you walk and know that it won’t lead to complexities…everything that transpires is devoid of malice…

Closure.

how things change. people, relationship statuses, the weather, life…me. there was a time when i thought i would die or go insane if you left me. i thought i would break and maybe for a little while i did. i almost went insane too with the pain of your loss. the reality though, is that you can’t loose what you never had. when you left and you took everything away with you. the smile, the laughter, the joy; even the pain. it’s like a huge hole was punched through my heart. i know i dreamt about you every night and when i woke up i had no recollection of that dream. but i know i’d seen you because i could still feel you around when i woke up. its weird that i feel you when you’re not around. yet when you’re physically there i push myself to feel nothing. i don’t know you anymore and i don’t belong in the new world you have made for yourself. and all this while i thought there was a chance.


and now i’m here. and it’s funny ‘cause i thought that i had missed you all these months. that i had missed your laughter, your face, your voice, your presence, your touch. and i thought i’d break down if i ever saw you again. and it’s even strange ‘cause i didn’t feel anything but numb. in a way i feel free from the burden of having to belong to someone. but i am also saddened by the knowledge that i have no one to belong to. i wanted to see you, to hold and kiss you, which i did. i have reached that phase in life where if it works out i’ll be happy and if it doesn’t i know i’ll move on without a trace of remorse or regret or bitterness or even vengeance for that matter. infact i am thankful to you for bringing my fears to my face and leaving me alone to confront them thus making me stronger. for subconsciously pushing me to be content. for making me realize that nobody on this planet will love me more than i can love myself. this is my closure. the need to see you one last time as i’d seen you the first time was my craving for closure than for anything else. now i can open my fists, stretch my arms and release myself.

i've almost forgotten what it feels like to be touched by you
and yet i get goose bumps when i remember the times
you've run your fingers on my back, through my hair
on my lips, over my face
my mind's telling me to let go
and in my head maybe i have
but my heart doesn't let me forget
not yet, at least
time will heal all the hurt
time will ease all the pain
time will also take with it all the love
but it cannot take away the hope
the belief, that in the end
everything will be alright

Loss

Losing doesn't always mean forever...you can touch and feel the person and still have lost them...what do you do then??? what’s better then - not having the person with you at all or having them and pushing yourself to be happy without them…moving on doesn’t mean forgetting...sometimes the pain of loss is so deep you need a reason, whatever it may be, for some kind of consolation...to believe that there is a greater purpose to our loss...loss is never understood; neither by those who don't experience it nor by those who do…no reason, no logic can ever define its profundity…the question of why always lingers…the acceptance of that loss is almost impossible to face…denial, more denial and then follows a reluctant acceptance…i say reluctant because there is hope…whether they’re in heaven or sitting on the bench next to you, the hope that you will hold their hand again when you walk always remains…many may think this kind of thinking is unhealthy…i say they’ve not lost…maybe it’s easy to forget or maybe it’s not…maybe with a little effort it’s possible to forget and get over and move on and more of such words used by psychologists and therapists to sound superior and in control of their emotions…but who wants to forget…who wants to let go…who wants to move on if moving on means giving up the memories…if moving on means forgetting...

Almost done

its sharpness glistens

in the moonlight
in contemplation, i wait
should i?, shouldn’t i?
the glow of the candle
flickers, almost at it’s end

my mind, ravaged
with thoughts
my eyes, blinded
with visions
my heart, overcome
with emotion
chaotic chills run down
my spine


in one swift motion
a cut runs through my wrist
blood spurts over my clothes
forming stains
that will be sampled later
my whole life flashes before my eyes
the smell of white lilies
mixed with the scent of wet mud
fills my nose


the hour has come closer now
in the dead of the night
i can hear each drop of blood
fall and merge with the puddle
formed at my feet


the pain receding
smiling faces of my loved ones
playing before my eyes as they close in


and then i wake up
the sharpness on my bedside table
still glistening
in the moonlight
i pick it up, walk back
to the kitchen
place it back where it belongs