Do you get that feeling when you hear a particular song and it reminds of you of a particular person? That person may not necessarily have any connection with that song but in your head you visualize them every time you listen to that song. Like right now I have one song for each person I know in my life. It’s not about the person you know. It’s about the music. Whenever I’m alone and listening to music, any kind of music, I have this whole story forming in my head about that person with whom the song is associated. Like the song is the back ground music for that person’s life and that story has to include me in some measure or the other. Sometimes I do wish that like in the movies there’s background music to our lives. But all you get is silence and a buzzing sound in your ears and crazy thoughts in your head.

Another something...

What if you knew that this was the last time you’d see me??? What if you knew that this was the last time you’d speak to me??? Would you still walk away??? its just a thought…I was just wondering…if we only knew right…if we only knew, we wouldn’t do the things we do or say the things we said…if we only knew, we’d make an effort to better things and get our act together…if we only knew…how ironic that we don’t until after it happens…then we cry and brood over the things we should have said and didn’t say or done and didn’t do…but then what’s the point…life can’t be undone…you cannot possibly redo what’s done…it sits there staring you in the face…it’s right there in front of your eyes while you sit there and reminisce and imagine the different possibilities of doing what you’ve done…how you cry for the times when you could make a difference…how you long for everything to be back right as it was…how you wish you could go back in time and set things right…if only all wishes came true the world would be a much better place now, wouldn’t it???
Now the thoughts have drained out…another cryptic something written in the hope that someday you may read it and know…but the chances of that are way too slim…maybe you’ll do after I’m gone and my words are all you have left to hold on too…then maybe you’ll read wishing that you’d read them before…maybe that way you could have held onto me longer…maybe that way you would be able to make up…but it’s not as grim as I’ve made it out to be…salvation is there as long as you want to have it…it’s waiting there for you to realize that it’s there…you can make things better not with me maybe but with someone else…with something else…maybe you could live the dreams we dreamt…you could make them true…try to fill the void that wouldn’t have been there if we had done things differently…you could still try…and live them out maybe hoping that in the end you’d find salvation…don’t worry I’ll be watching you…I’ll be there always…so don’t be afraid…because while you’re there looking for redemption, I’m there, hoping that at the end of the journey, you’ll find me again…

Hmm...I wish...!!!!!

Consequences of the lack of sleep:

I want to get drunk…like really drunk…and live in a bubble for just a bit…a bit that takes away irritation and fear…where all I would do is smile incessantly for no damn reason at all (while I write this I can feel the corners of my lips spread a little at the image of my cackling laughter)…I want the world to go round and round…spinning around my face…so that everything appears blurred and funny…and laugh some more at the funny part of the blurring…I want some loud and indecipherable music playing around me…something that makes me head bob from side to side…I want not to feel the floor beneath my footsteps…like I’m walking in the clouds or something…I want to dance under the moonlight…with nobody watching, taking pictures or recording…and I want to finally free fall…with my arms spread open…a serene smile on my face…the wind in my hair and through my clothes causing goose flesh to form...fall into blissful sleep…

What I don’t wanna do though, is puke…that would be like a smashing fall back to reality…

There you are…nothing has changed about you…maybe a few wrinkles more…but the laugh is the same…the mischievous glint in your eyes is the same…the same walk…the same intelligent talk…and then you look at me…something has changed…I see a difference…’I love you’ is the first thing you say to me…how I’ve longed to hear you say this…how I’ve longed to hear these words from you…at another time, long before now I would have given anything to hear this from you…but now, like right now, it doesn’t matter…things have surely changed…your words fall over my ears touching no part of me…I feel nothing…no happiness, no sorrow…no excitement, no remorse…I don’t even feel regret…I’m standing there before you with absolutely no feeling…cold and emotionless…and there it dawns on me…the true meaning of moving on…nothing about the person in question effects you…not his words, not his deeds…even the memories have seemed to fade away…almost disappeared…wiped clean from the slate…and I’m happy…finally happy…not because of what you said…but because at last, I managed to say the final goodbye…

Does every opinion have to count??
Does every expectation have to be fulfilled?
What if I don’t wish to change?
Could I just be the same?
But something is wrong…
I have changed without even knowing it
The bitterness of things that have happened
Reflects in my eyes
No matter how much love I try to show
Its only the hurt that resurfaces
Pushing people away from me…
If only I could turn back time
I’d do many things differently
Or maybe not…

Heartbreak

Heartbreak…one word with so many consequences…so many emotions piled onto just one word…you may think heartbreak is burdened by all of it…its actually the other way around…it burdens you…it hurts in places you never knew existed…it gives you sleepless nights…or worse still you cry yourself to sleep…you detach yourself from everything but the memories of him…you feel empty and drained…the dark circles around your eyes just get darker everyday…and the bags forming below them threaten to give you Chinese eyes…anything can trigger off that river of tears…infact you’re tear glands are always prepared…ready to flow at anything…a song…a memory...watching other couples tortures in ways you cannot imagine…even if you’ve seen them for all of your life, like your parents…what do you do with those memories…photographs can be torn…letters can be burnt…messages can be deleted…mails can be erased…but those memories…they have a knack of surfacing when you want them most to disappear…you can actually feel your heart crack into a million pieces…everything feels wrong…the things you’ve done all your life seem like a chore…you find it difficult to get outta bed…you don’t wanna speak…you can’t walk on your own…you close your fist only to realize that his hand is not there anymore…you turn to smile but his face is not there anymore…all the things you did together form Kodak moments in your head…all the places you went together bear a mark that was left by you…you can’t bring yourself to go there alone…all you wanna do is lie in bed, close your eyes and relive each and every memory…so that as the days pass by his face doesn’t become a distant blur…no one else seems to be as good as him…infact you measure everyone to him…if they’re not as good then they’re not worth the effort…well, at least you’ve made the effort to know them…the thing to figure here is that if he was all that good why did he leave you in the first place…why did he hurt you…why did he break your heart…and inspite all of this you still think he’s good enough…you blame yourself for him leaving you…what is it with us women…we are programmed to think that everything is our fault…says who…I don’t…I think we place too much importance on our partner…thinking that he could do no wrong…that he’s perfect…says who…whoever said anybody was perfect…perfect is only God…and you’re partner is not God…so what makes him perfect or flawless…what makes him so right and you so wrong…nothing…but you think we understand that…not a chance…we go on blaming ourselves…the smarter ones move on…and the rest just lay there…waiting for time to heal the scars…for time to blur the memories…

here we go again...

Here we go again…same old, same old…like a Ferris wheel going round and round…the end is where I began…I think about you but I won’t tell you…I miss you but I won’t tell you…the memories have faded now…but the last impression of your face is till afresh…which will fade eventually…like the memories we built on false optimism…its happening again…memories resurfacing again…this is that time of the year again…way back then…each day will be relived…each memory revisited…something’s different though…no bitterness anymore…no sighs…only smiles…grins…sometimes tears…happy tears…no remorse…no hurt…no pain…just a deep scar…reminder of a dream unfulfilled…