NOT JUST YET....

I walked back, this Monday into the lobby of the Oberoi, Mumbai. Although I had heard that it was badly damaged, nothing could prepare me for what I saw inside. As one of my friends said, ‘it's a sight for sore eyes.’ This place that I had trained in for close to a month resembled a war zone. As we went about the winding up activities, I couldn’t stop the fear present inside me. As I walked through the soot laden corridors, I couldn’t stop myself from taking a look behind me to check if there was anyone. Even while walking in the service corridors (used by staff), I keep myself alert to any sound. I believe in spirits and ghosts. I believe they exist and watch over you. When I am in the corridors checking for left over unclaimed baggage, I have this strange feeling that there are many eyes on me. And then I turn around to nothing.

After spending two nights holed up in a room alone at the Trident, Nariman Point, I don’t think I will ever stop checking behind and around me. Fear and loss, don’t make a good combination. My initial bravado was replaced with fear after I found out that Jasmine was killed by these merciless animals. I felt paralyzed or I guess it was my fear because after that I was afraid to move, use the loo, sneeze and even breathe. The reason that roused my fear was also the reason that calmed me down. Images of her eternally smiling face cropped up before me. I was still a little scared, but I was smiling now. Friends kept calling; some were reassuring me with their prayers, while I was assuring most with my light hearted comments. It was not easy to remain calm. I kept saying a few prayers every time that I heard any sound. I even cried to relieve myself of the stress. I did everything I could because I did not want to die. I am not scared of death, but just not yet…As I write this down, I feel guilty and helpless. Guilty because I came out alive and helpless because at the time that I had locked myself in the safety of a room I could have escaped and come down to help save other lives. The ordeal doesn’t end here, as we all know it. There is more to come as threatened by the militants. I pray the army, NSG and whatever other security and intelligence we have are able to avert or combat a crisis like this…