twisted tales

PART I

I’m tired. My work wasn’t exactly pleasing my boss, the presentation for which I had worked my ass off didn’t exactly create the stir I had prepared it to create, my eyes were droopy, I couldn’t catch up on enough sleep due to the horrid, pot filled roads heading out of the airport, my sister’s marriage was falling apart; the only thought that brought a smile to my gloomy face was that of returning to the comfort of you. I wanted to surprise you. It was our wedding anniversary after all. Marriage counselling seemed to be working but you still seemed aloof. Maybe you were still getting used to the idea of seeking help.

I try not to make any sound as I turn in the key to the front door and tip toe my way down the hall. I peek into our bedroom but you’re not there. You’re not in the bathroom or the kitchen or the study. You’re phone is switched off. I wonder where you are.

It’s way past midnight when you walk in. I see the look of shock and then surprise before a smile curves your lips. You kiss me and drown all my queries. They say that you only value what you have when it’s gone. Love making was never this sweet. I was happy being close to you. The jigsaw of our marriage was finally falling in place.


PART II
It’s been months since you’ve touched me. It feels like a lifetime. You don’t want me anymore. I’m alone yet again. It’s that time of the day, when all I want to do is burst out and cry. I feel defeated. But I’m not letting go this time. I need to know what’s happening. Tonight we’re gonna talk. If this marriage is not going to work out , we might as well give up and live freely. No more tears, no more pain.
I walk into our apartment to a familiar song. Wait, that’s my favourite song and it's coming from our bedroom. I move towards the music and in my head I brace myself for what I have come here to do. My mind’s made up and there’s no turning back. I want to avenge the months of loneliness. I push through our bedroom door and I black out…


PART III

I’ve moved out of that apartment. Well, heck I’ve moved out of the city now. Each place, each road, each landmark had a memory of the two of you. I’m happier and more content with my work and life. Jai has been my anchor throughout, unquestioning and uncomplaining of my tantrums and demands.
I come back home each day to the faces of my bratty nephews and a paranoid sister who thinks that I may just kill myself someday.
The kids are asleep and the dishes done. We sit down in the verandah, catching up on our occasional cigarette. She gives me that look again. Like always I try and avoid her gaze. But there’s something about that look today which gives me a feeling that there’s no escape. The time had come to let her in where only Jai had been before.

“…I blacked out. I had walked into Tarun having sex my best friend in my bed.”

“Who Malini?”

“No. Rishi”

if someday

If someday the earth turned completely green
I would want to close my eyes
And walk bare foot
On the damp grass

Run my fingers through
Its tall blades
Feel the petals
And imagine their colours

Breath fresh wind
And let it caress my hair

Feel the dewdrops
On my forehead
Feel the rays of the sun
Radiate each drop
As they trickle down
To my lips

And then I feel
A rough, familiar touch
Dusting the pollens
Stuck to my cheek

I know it’s you
But what if its not
I don’t want to open my eyes
To disappointment
And yet I do
Only to smile back
To a familiar face

Enclosed thoughts

Where am i?
What am I doing here?
Enclosed places
Unknown faces
Trying to kill time
But it just doesn’t pass
Loneliness drives my thoughts to the extreme
Familiar faces seem miles away
But whose face can I call familiar
When the only face I’m certain of
Is mine….

Conversations

Me: don’t tell anyone about this ok…it’s just between you and
me…promise...

Him: hmhmm

Me: say promise

Him: said

Me: say it...i didn't hear

Him: you cant...we are far off

Me: then how would i know if u really said it?

Him: trust

Me: i trust u

Him: then chill

Me: I’m freezing

Love is

Love is…
Letting her go just because you think
She’ll be happy with someone else…
Love is…
dialling his number and disconnecting the call before his phone rings
Love is…
typing out a message each day and not sending it because you’re so scared of the outcome
Love is…
hoping he’ll pick up your call someday
Love is…
hoping to hear his voice again
Love is…
believing that some day when the phone rings it will be him
Love is…
hoping against hope
Love is…
Love is…
I don’t know what love is anymore…

Alone

I’m walking down the road
On my own
I’m listening to my music
It makes me smile
People look at me
And think I’m insane
Maybe I am
My happiness is mine
My troubles are mine
I talk to myself
I laugh with myself
I even cry with myself
There’s no one I can call friend
I am my best friend
I don’t need another
I’m better off alone

I look out my window
I can see the vast expanding ocean
green by day
black by night
better at night
the moon is out of sight
the only reflection on the surface
are the city lights…

saying goodbye

I want you to fade away to become a distant memory but you don’t. i eat, i sleep, i work and do other things all while making a conscious effort not to think about you, but you’re always there at the back of my mind. I don’t allow you to take centre stage. It’s only in the fleeting moments of my loneliness that I let the memories of you to come forward. Actually I don’t have to let them; they just find a way to seep through. But I feel nothing, unlike before. Then I pick up the phone to dial your number. Almost always I disconnect the call before it rings. But today I let it ring, that familiar song that always brings a smile to my face even now. You picked up but surprisingly I felt nothing when I heard you’re voice, unlike before. I felt nothing when I spoke to you, unlike before. I felt nothing when we hung up, unlike before. I guess this means I’ve gotten over you. I’ve let you go. For some reason I feel this strange sense of peace take over when I say I’ve let you go.
I guess I’ll never be able to stop the memories from surfacing in my mind. A few years into the future, they will blur and maybe then I will remember you only if I see a similar car to yours or if I meet another person with the same name as yours.

meet me where the shore meets the sea
where the sand is soft
and the water green
together we’ll watch the sun go down

as the twilight fills the sky
hold my hand while we walk
waiting for the moon to bring light
to the growing darkness